Mr Fibby – The Boris Johnson Mr Men Book Released

Who’s the UK’s biggest liar? For once, it’s not me. Right now, that honour goes to everyone’s favourite politician, Boris Johnson.

Last Saturday, I released a new zine, ‘Mr Fibby: The Prime Minister Who Couldn’t Stop Lying’. I also made a press release – I haven’t sent it to anyone yet.

What Is Mr Fibby?

Mr Fibby is a 48-page parody Mr Men book about Boris Johnson. It’s got significantly more professional (looking) images than my previous zines. They’re full colour, digital illustrations. It also has over 40 caricatures of Tory politicians and their pals, inspired by Mr Men & Little Miss.

Sexy, isn’t it?

Picture of 4 copies of British political zine, Mr Fibby, two showing the front cover, the other two showing the back cover

The zine tells the story of Mr Fibby, the biggest liar in Gullibleland. It’s about how his friends helped him lie to become Prime Minister, and then all the other lies that followed. It’s the reminder that no one needed about politicians – to get selected as an MP, you have to be a liar.

After receiving the prints, I was surprised. It looked quite authentic (like a Mr Men book). Prior to releasing it, in an uncharacteristic moment of optimism, I thought it would be such a smash that Roger Hargreaves would spring from his grave and sue me. Thankfully, I was wrong.

Still, if you want to learn more about the zine, make it an actual smash and force me to sell my kidneys, click here.

Mr Fibby Is Free To Download

Thanks to my need to be recognised as a rebel without a cause, I’ve released Mr Fibby for free on my website. You can download it now. Or better yet, you can indulge my lacklustre entrepreneurial efforts by buying a copy here.

Also, don’t worry if you’re intimidated by the content – even though it’s written for children. I also put together a handy guide that explains all of the political scandals referenced in the book.

I painstakingly compiled this list because I’m hoping that in the distant future, historians will unearth a torn copy, and I’ll get a very undeserved footnote in a very boring book about the carcinogens in 21st Century gloss laminated covers.

How’s It Going?

Mr Fibby is already stocked at Housmans Bookshop in Kings X. They’re really nice. Hopefully it’ll appear at other physical locations soon.

I might even send it to Waterstones if I can scratch together £35 to get an ISBN number. Right now, that’s looking like a pipe dream.

Why Did You Make Mr Fibby?

I made Mr Fibby because it’s been a very dry summer.

Following the tepid reception of my previous zine, the abstract mess of ‘Sue Gray’s Partygate Report’, I vowed to never make another pamphlet. As with smoking, I never stick to vows.

Here’s what inspired me.

At the beginning of July, I was sitting in my front room with a couple of people. I hadn’t been following the news, but both asked me who I thought would become the next Conservative Party Leader.

My attempts to disengage the conversation failed. I then asked them to clarify how the Conservative Party could be stupid enough to remove the man with such an inexhaustible ability to bounce back from a scandal. They didn’t offer any satisfactory answers. So, I curtly dismissed them, making an ass of myself by saying, ‘Boris Johnson IS the Prime Minister Who’ll Never Quit – he’ll be not running the country forever’.

I mean, he hasn’t stepped down yet, but I think I was wrong.

But it gave me an idea. A variation of the previous phrase, ‘The Prime Minister Who Just Wouldn’t Quit’, sounded like the title of a children’s book. So, the next day, shaking as a Metropolitan Line train chugged its way towards Zone 9, I conceived the first draft of Mr Fibby. As with all good things, it took about half an hour.

After that, all I had to do was learn how to mash shapes together in Adobe Illustrator.

Were You Jumping On The Little Miss Meme Trend?

I didn’t actually know that there was a Little Miss Meme trend until I posted the first picture of the zine on Instagram. Scrolling through Little Miss Notes App and their endless Little Miss Memes, I realised that my last three weeks of creative output was totally bankrupt.

Everyone would assume I’d copied the Little Miss Meme trend, even though I’m not cool enough to know what it is.

I also thought it was strangely coincidental. Someone more spiritual might suggest it was the result of a collective consciousness. However, I think Little Miss must have appeared in a recent advert that everyone’s forgotten about. But I digress.

Did You Make It Because You Hate Boris Johnson?

No. Not really. I think it’s a shame that he was forced to quit. His conduct over the last three years has been hilarious.

There’ll be no more speeches about Peppa Pig. No more denials about Ministers sexually harassing people. No more shaking hands. Well actually, I’m sure there’ll still be denials about Ministers sexually harassing people.

Anyway, don’t read me wrong here. It’s been nasty. I’m not a Government apologist.

But as Conservative Leadership Contest progresses, I think we’re already seeing how much worse we could have had it. Hopeful Liz Truss promises to cut public sector pay, while contender Rishi Sunak claims that he’s going to ‘re-educate’ everyone who hates the UK. Sounds kinky.

It’s really sickening how successfully courting the Conservative Party’s membership involves proving that if you weren’t a politician, you’d be known as the town’s biggest scumbag.

Do You Hate The UK?

I think the real question is, do you hate the UK?

I hear everyone who hates UK doesn’t buy a copy of Mr Fibby.

So how about it?

Sue Gray’s Partygate Report Released

I’m a little late to the party, but this week I published a zine, ‘Sue Gray’s Partygate Report’, alternatively titled, ‘The Case of the Forbidden Jamborees’.

A Partygate Report you might actually want to own

It’s an illustrated, 44-page zine that’s a satirical parody of the Government’s actual report, ‘Investigation Into Alleged Gatherings On Government Premises During COVID Restrictions’. Unlike the real report, this one actually contains pictures and addresses the elephant in the room – why the hell does this report exist?

My version of Sue Gray’s Partygate Report is available for download here, and from today, for purchase in print on my Etsy shop, Your Dad’s A Tory.

What Is Sue Gray’s Partygate Report?

It’s a satirical zine about UK politics – specifically, the current Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s Partygate scandal. Unlike Joe Lycett’s highly publicised parody, this one extends well beyond a six point executive summary. It’s a full, 44-page report.

The Party Animals – (L-R), Spuds MacKenzie, Dr Feelgood, Boris Johnson & Sue Gray

Unlike a traditional parody report, thematically and structurally, this report’s a bit abstract. The premise is a Murder Mystery Party, hosted at No10 by Boris Johnson, during which Sue Gray and various other characters are invited to solve a mystery – whether Ministers and Officials have been partying during national COVID-Sars lockdowns. The party takes place across rooms throughout No11 & No12 Downing Street (where the parties actually happened), with different party and investigation themed scenarios on each page.

The main narrative is prefaced with a fake excerpt from a psychological journal, in a similar theme to JG Ballard’s experimental 1968 piece, ‘Why I Want To Fuck Ronald Reagan’. This is to provide criticism around the premise of the actual ‘Investigation Into Alleged Gatherings On Government Premises During COVID Restrictions’ – an investigation that really wasn’t necessary. Instead, it became a highly publicised waste of time, because the Prime Minister is a liar.

What Qualifies You To Write This?

Here’s the funny bit. I worked in Whitehall for seven years. Although I walked out well before COVID, I’ve been to a lot of parties at Downing Street; either as a Private Secretary or in a comms role. Further, I worked in a couple of Permanent Secretaries’ offices, which in practice means I’ve worked directly with Sue Gray and her former office when she was Director General of Propriety & Ethics at the Cabinet Office.

For a long time, I embraced the culture. I can attest that Whitehall does have a drinking problem. I can’t think of a Thursday or Friday when there wasn’t at least a case of opened Prosecco in the office. Office managers expected staff to come in with a hangover on Friday. It was a given. Hell, I used to end up at the Red Lion or Champagne Charlies on Villiers St almost every night of the working week.

I can also tell you that Cabinet Office and No10 were way boozier than other Departments. That’s why when the investigation was launched, the idea that Whitehall was boozing during lockdown really didn’t surprise me. It’s completely ingrained into the culture.

Why Did You Bother Writing It?

To be honest, I’m not sure. I went for a drink with some former Private Office colleagues a week before the actual early report came out. We were talking about Sue Gray’s investigation and agreed it’d be funny to produce something similar to the political zine I made in late 2019, called ‘Watch Out! Your Dad’s A Tory’.

However, it ballooned significantly beyond the initial scope, a weirder narrative blossomed and in the end, it became a much grander piece than it was intended to be.

What Is The Political Context of Sue Gray’s Report?

For those reading this who don’t understand the context, here’s a brief rundown. Evidence was released that proved that Officials, Special Advisors & Ministers had parties in Government buildings during periods of National Lockdown.

National Lockdowns

In the UK, from 2020 to 2022 during the global COVID-Sars epidemic, the British Government enforced a series of national lockdowns. These lockdowns significantly curtailed the public’s right to socialise and closed down a huge number of businesses.

At the height of these lockdowns, individuals were unable to see friends, family, visit other peoples’ houses under the penalty of a substantial fine (up to £10,000). Even pubs were closed, which in England is sacrilegious. However, these lockdowns were justified and largely supported by the public to prevent the spread of COVID-Sars, reduce pressures on the NHS and protect vulnerable individuals.

Allegations That Parties Were Held In Government Buildings

In late 2021, rumours and limited evidence leaked showing that parties had taken place on Government property during these national lockdowns. They were alleged to have happened in Downing Street, the Department for Education and HM Treasury. Government wasn’t exempt from lockdowns and neither were Ministers. These alleged parties were illegal gatherings.

Conga Line of Partygate Events – styled to mimic the Conservative’s famous ‘Labour Isn’t Working’ campaign material

Worse, evidence was released showing the Prime Minister at these functions. To deflect responsibility and stave off his forced resignation, Boris Johnson first requested Simon Case, the Cabinet Secretary to conduct a review into the alleged events. When it was discovered that Simon Case had attended these parties, he was taken off the investigation and another Civil Servant, Sue Gray was pulled onto it.

The Findings

Sue Gray’s Report is a pretty dull read, but it found evidence that at least 12 ‘gatherings’ had taken place in Government Buildings during national lockdowns, that Ministers knew about it and that there was a culture of drinking in Whitehall.

What Happened?

Despite the real report’s rather damning findings, nothing’s happened.

Boris Johnson remains the Prime Minister (because seriously, who’s going to replace him?), some Civil Servants were forced to resign and the No10 Press Office’s wine cooler was removed. Right? The wine cooler was removed? Why didn’t they just buy an under the counter fridge? Who is so pretentious that they need a wine cooler? Particularly at work.

The public’s attention has (rightly) moved onto the on going Ukraine Crisis. More, while I hate to be a cynic, I’d wager that the outcome of this geo-political crisis will save Boris Johnson, as the 1982 Falkland’s War arguably secured Margaret Thatcher’s second term as Prime Minister.

But that hasn’t stopped this being a completely farcical episode of British politics. One of this Government’s many farcical episodes – from slashing benefits during a period of unprecedented rises in living costs, fighting to keep disadvantaged children hungry and knighting a man who is unable to distinguish one black man from another.

If you haven’t already given up on British politics or the traditional two party system, I’d suggest that you do now.

Download Sue Gray’s Partygate Report Now

So here’s my gift to you. A free, high effort parody report about the Partygate scandal. Because really, what else could I have done? Stayed working in Government and gone to one of the many parties there?

Download it now.

Peppa Pig’s Plan To Level Up Britain

Hands up who hates Peppa Pig! You all do?! Great.

Well thankfully, the obnoxious brat’s finally done something useful. She’s provided the trotters and snouts needed to make Britain ‘great again’. And no, that’s not in a Greggs sausage roll kind of way, despite flaky pastry being the closest thing we have to a national treasure.

It’s a relief, given the Prime Minister’s recent, rather honest admission that “No Whitehall civil servant could have conceivably come up with [a plan as good as] Peppa’s.” Perhaps forgetting that Peppa Pig is actually a cartoon for children conceived by the unwashed & unemployed (apparently anyway)

So it’s no wonder that Michael Gove’s new Department has drawn inspiration from the little swine’s theme park to set out exactly how they’re going to level up the UK. There’s a rumour that she even helped name his new department. Really? Well, who else but a pig would think the Department for Levelling Up would be responsible for anything but rubber stamping DnD character progression?

While I recognise that now would be a good time for a gammon joke, they’re as lazy as Daddy Pig, so make one up yourself (actually, how about, oh you Gammon? – I know, it’s funny. Don’t wet yourself).

What’s This About Boris Johnson Hiring Peppa Pig?

For anyone who missed it, this weekend the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s breaking announcement about his plans to remodel Britain in the image of Peppa Pig World. And what better place than the Confederation of British Industry’s weekend conference

So now it’s all out in the open, I thought I’d spill the beans. Don’t worry, I won’t get into trouble. Like all those other leaked announcements, everyone important already knows responsibility sits with Special Advisers or Dominic Cummings. 

What Is Peppa Pig World?

It’s a dreary theme park in Hampshire, where estranged single fathers take their teenage children to one up their former spouses. It’s also a beacon of hope and an architectural marvel, eclipsing the majesty of Great Yarmouth’s Merrivale Model Village.

Now that we’ve covered all the details, I bet you’re dying to know exactly what’s in store for Britain. 

Let’s dive into the trough and discover exactly how Peppa Pig’s going to change the course of British history.

Levelling Britain Up into a Pig Pen

Innovative, sensational & sexy. Here’s Peppa Pig’s Levelling Up Strategy: 

The Prime Minister’s ‘Policy’ Paper – ‘Peppa Pig’s Plan to Level Out Britain’, developed by lab rats at LUHC.
Officials tabbed it up for easier consumption

Right, so we’ve covered fishing disputes, covering up sleaze, mass transit projects, a way to send away the immigrants, a way to get everyone healthy, some stuff about space and a sanitised national anthem. Surely that’s enough experience for a level up?

Incredible that I wrote this tripe in half an hour.

What’s Going On?

I don’t know. However, it does seem like a better strategy to level up Britain than the current one. So maybe cut Boris a little slack. There’s no harm in talking about Peppa Pig at a business conference. I mean, had anyone in attendance managed to sell the rights to their crappy cartoon for £3.6 billion? No?

Why Russia’s Not The Hottest Potato

The biggest threat to UK democracy probably isn’t Russia. It’s probably disinformation peddled by the UK Government, political parties and campaign groups.

Yesterday, the Intelligence and Security Committee (ISC) published a breezy report about how the UK Government “took its eye off the ball on Russia.

The report identifies that Russia poses a significant threat to the UK security, in part due to state-funded, malicious cyber campaigns targeted at the UK. These offensive attacks have allegedly attempted to influence every major democratic vote in the UK since the 2016 Scottish Referendum. 

It concludes that disinformation campaigns spearheaded by adversarial foreign states pose a threat to democracy in the UK, recommending that an appropriate defence against this threat would be new regulations for advertising on Social Media and a new set of powers for the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.

Even redacted, it’s a fun read; highlighting some of the current challenges faced in international relations. 

However, the recommendations at heart of the report highlight the UK Government’s continued lopsided stance on tackling disinformation in UK politics.

So What’s In The Russia Report?

Not a lot. 

It says Russia’s not a nice place, Russian’s hate the West and the Secret Intelligence Services should have done more about the threat from the mid-2000s.

On the whole, it portrays Russia as the misunderstood nihilist. You know, the one who sits at the back of the class, setting fire to things and misquoting Nietzsche.

The report then recommends that to establish the framework to address the situation, new Ministerial powers should be given to the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster (Cabinet Office), empowering them to protect “democratic discourse and processes from [international] interference.” While the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) must establish a protocol with social media companies to ensure that they take covert hostile state use of their platforms seriously, and ‘name and shame’ those that don’t.

So What’s The Problem?

Delivering powers to prevent foreign interference with elections will not address the most potent challenges to democracy in the UK. 

Instead, reports like this arguably divert attention from serious domestic issues with UK politics that the UK Government should be actively addressing rather than just paying lip service to.

Briefly, here are some of the actual domestic challenges faced by UK democracy:

  • The Unchecked Ugliness of Electioneering. Take the 2019 General Election Fact Check UK scandal and well documented factual fallacies in the campaigning material used to support the 2016 EU Referendum Leave and Remain campaigns. In both instances, note the significant lack of consequences faced by those who benefited politically from misleading the public. Right now, during an election, there’s no effective punishment for those who don’t play by the rules. That’s a licence for anyone to lie their way into Government.
  • Prevailing Public Mistrust of the UK Government and Political Parties. There are plenty of reasons people don’t trust the Government or politicians; but it’s not helped by the UK Government’s continued reliance on misleading statistics. This could be anything from the continued use of heavily caveated unemployment and disability figures, misleading R&D investment totals to frequent misclassification of old funding as ‘new’. The same goes for political parties who misquote their record in Government. The average person is never going to verify claims like this themselves, and when they see claims that they are wrong in the Sun or Guardian, why should they continue to trust politicians.
  • The UK’s Failed Citizenship Test. The persistence of a relatively poor national understanding of how laws are made, how Government works and how MPs are voted into office. How can people actively participate in a democracy when they don’t understand it?
  • Continued Constitutional Failures of the UK Electoral System. How can every vote matter in a system in which every major party has endorsed some form of tactical voting during a national election? Or is willing to rewrite electoral boundaries without the check of Parliamentary scrutiny? Or is a vote in a country that still employs the first past the post system? What was the argument for it again? Namely that more often than not, it delivers a stronger Government than those ‘awful’ coalitions mainland Europe has to suffer.

However, unlike an international aggressor, these issues are pretty boring. Every time I try to force a conversation about constitutional politics with my friends, they call me a Lib Dem and ask if Nick Clegg’s my boyfriend.

But still, what’s the point in protecting a democracy when the electorate do not have the right to make informed decisions

Can you even protect a democracy when the electorate do not have the right to make informed decisions?

I’d argue not.

What Do You Do?

Whether the political system works is always going to be dependent on your definition of ‘works’. My definition of ‘works’ is that the electorate know what they’re voting for, and understand as best they can, the consequences of what they are voting for.

I really hate it when people write about issues, but don’t suggest how to resolve them. So, here’s how I think you’d go about rectifying some of these challenges:

  1. Proper Consequences for MPs and Parties Promoting Disinformation. Give the Electoral Commission the powers and resources necessary to assess when political candidates and their parties have lied or purposefully misled the electorate. Also give them powers to enforce adequate punishments on said parties. Parties and campaigning groups don’t care about monetary fines. They don’t work. Instead, why not force a reduction in the number of voting MPs that party can have at any one time; so the consequence is potentially the loss of majority, but not the complete loss of representation.
  2. An Independent National Research Unit. When there’s a General Election, political parties rely on their own research units to provide statistics for their campaigns. The electorate then has to rely on Fact Check UK, the BBC and other unaffiliated organisations to assess whether politician’s and party’s claims are factual. There should be a state funded, independent organisation that provides accurate information to those running for election, and debunks figures that have been manipulated for the electorate. This responsibility should not be given to Big Data companies, as they should not be part of a national election. This organisation’s definition of truth should not be influenced by possible commercial or political gain.

On the topic of education, I don’t think there’s a simple solution here. Specifically, I do not believe mandatory classes at secondary school would really increase anyone’s understanding of the system.

On the boundaries issue, as long as there’s no way to create laws that are immune to amendment, beyond actually introducing a written British Constitution, I don’t see how this could be achieved effectively.

However, on the whole, I’d argue that these two actions would do more for democracy in the UK than any action on Russia will.

Disagree with me? Great. Tell me why.