Wine Bricks – The Perfect Doomsday Prepping Product

How Henry Discovered that Wine Bricks are the Perfect Product to sell to Doomsday Preppers

A fake long print advert for Vino-Sano targetted at the doomsday prepper market, featuring heads on pikes, machine guns, a skull, a utility knife, two glasses of wine and a wine brick covered with packaging
A long-form copy advert made for printing in The Prepper to convince Doomsday Preppers that Wine Bricks are an important addition to their arsenal. If you manage to make one, feel free to use it, or why not try calling the number at the top to see what happens?

Buy or die.

No, this isn’t the tagline for Martin Shkreli’s AIDs medication, it’s a neat way of expressing how high impending apocalypses have raised consumer stakes. 

Welcome to the niche form of kleptomania-come-stupid-fantasy-realisation of Doomsday Prepping. It’s a burgeoning market in the United States, uplifting demand for AK47s, chastity belts and cable ties. But I’ve figured something out – it’s a really immature market (in at least three ways – can you guess them?).

This market consists of millions of ‘well-informed consumers‘ (gullible idiots) panic buying canned wieners and toilet paper (no, they think the bidet is a fancy urinal). Spending their evenings pinning all the local hotties’ houses onto paper maps. Well, what else are they going to do when peak paranoia hits? Slink down into their bunkers?

While less inspired people would call this lunacy, I call it opportunity. Survival Sullian (a crazy person named after Warner Bros’ cartoon characters) claims there are 3.6 million REAL gullible Americans preparing for the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a lot of money diverted from Taylor Swift Real Dolls & Only Fans subscriptions.

That’s exactly why I have a fantastic business proposal for you. It’s time to start selling wine bricks to doomsday preppers.

Why It Matters To You

This great idea’s free. Why? Because if you’re thinking about starting your own private label coffee brand, or want to import cheap personal fitness products from China, you need all the help you can get.

That’s right. I’m trying to save the British economy by encouraging you to start a proper business instead of giving your money to the sellers of snake oil. More, I’m fed up of private label businesses tricking me into buying absolute shit on Amazon. (No, you can’t start a nonsense writing agency, I’ve already established impenetrable market dominance).

So let’s get to the product.

What The Hell Is A Wine Brick?

Wine bricks *were* cuboids of grape concentrate, developed and pushed by Fruit Industries Ltd in the first half of the Twentieth Century. They allowed buyers to home brew their own multiple gallon vats of ‘wine’, while circumventing nationwide bans on the sale of alcohol during the Prohibition (1920-1933).

They were really easy to use. So easy that someone with absolutely no survival training who thinks they’re going to star in a real life version of First Blood, could probably manage to not kill themselves while using them. Here’s how they work:

  • Step 1 – Drop the wine brick into 5-10 gallons of water
  • Step 2 – Let the brick dissolve and ferment for two weeks (without any supervision)
  • Step 3 – Say “Lizard People”
  • Step 4 – BAM! You’ve got a fermented liquid to pair with boiled shoes (this was Great Depression era America)

Great concept. Here’s the clincher – Fruit Industries Ltd don’t make Vino-Glo anymore. I’ve found absolutely no evidence that anyone does. 

The wine brick market is begging, nay, whimpering to be seized.

What Is A Doomsday Prepper?

But who would buy a wine brick when you could buy a perfectly good £3.99 bottle of shiraz instead?

Crazy people with cult fetishes, obsessed with recreating the final hours of the Seventh Day Adventists’ 1993 Siege. Aka, Doomsday Preppers.

Our prospective customers live in a universe where they’re so enamoured with unrealistic fantasies, they’ve convinced their spouses that Cybergedden is imminent. 

Meteor strikes, alien invasions, zombie apocalypses, whatever.

They’re planning to exploit humanity’s downfall by hoarding a load of weapons, food and other crap. Driven mad by the dream that they could finally become the type of cult leaders that they didn’t have the charisma to become in the real world.

The thing that distinguishes them from normal people, beyond the crazy, is that they’re so arrogant, they actually think they’d survive and thrive in this kind of situation. When in reality, they’d die.

Has there ever been a better customer than a ‘delusional customer‘?

Doomsday Prepping Market ‘Essentials’

Even better, let’s take a look at the state of the actual market. What do Doomsday Preppers consider to be essential bunker companions?

Tactical watches? Roller Skates? Bin Liners?

According to Inverse, a crapshoot website I just discovered, these are Doomsday Prepping essentials. However, as a non-doomsday prepper, I can tell you that these are not what you will need during the apocalypse. You’re going to need a strong stomach, thick rope and a belief that there will still be enough trees with branches that can support your bodyweight.

Take the tactical watch. I understand the importance of accessorising your Doomsday getups, while communicating to the surviving women that you’re really well endowed, but is anyone really going to be arranging apocalypse appointments? Do cannibals only prowl between 3:00 & 7:49 am? Are you worried that you’re going to miss the latest episode of Strictly Come Dancing with the Dead?

Or Roller Skates? Have you skated on unmaintained pavement? Have you cycled on a well maintained road? I’ve done both and fallen over a lot. Now imagine that there aren’t any refuse collectors, or Rod Stewarts to fill the potholes. Unless your Doomsday fantasy is to break your ankle and lie helplessly on the ground while dogs ravish you, roller skates aren’t a great idea.

Bin liners? Ok, I understand that. Clothes will obviously be scarce. You know. Everyone won’t be dead and not wearing their own clothes.

Like Shooting Zombies In A Swimming Pool

These items are obviously not essentials. So, through little to no research I’ve established that Doomsday Preppers base their assumptions on Zombieland: Double Tap, which is cliche-ridden crap.

Great, we understand the audience – No class. No taste. No imagination.

If they’re sold something that’s actually marketed by someone willing to do a very basic amount of research, they will buy it.

Why Doomsday Preppers Need Wine Bricks

Ok, it’s time to get the propeller on your expert marketer hat spinning. What are the main things Doomsday Preppers are worried about? How can wine bricks solve their problems?

1. Wine Bricks are MADE for stashing, stacking and living in the bottom of your bag

Carrying a bottle of wine in your rucksack? It glugs, throws balance off centre and hogs way too much space. Worse, a normal rucksack can only fit two to three bottles. 

Imagine – a mutant, cannibal, or your ex husband is chasing you:

Glug, glug, clank, moan, “Tasty morsel,” “Cindy, you bitch, I’m going to fucking flay your leather hide.

The last memory you have of your pride

What’s that sinking feeling in your stomach? Is it knowing that three bottles of wine isn’t going to be enough to forget about your lost humanity, foot or pride? Or is it all the sloshing around that’s holding you back?

A single wine brick makes a gallon of wine (6 bottles!), it’s a third of the size of a bottle and they apparently come in eight disgusting flavours. 

Carry more, faster, better, while living to actually drink your investment.

2. Wine Bricks Don’t Break (meaningfully) 

Glass is designed to break. What does normal wine come in? Glass. You’re going to break it and have a bad time. 

But like fingers, wine bricks can break and remain completely usable. What are you going to stick your fingers into?

3. Six Months Into The Apocalypse, Wine Becomes A Reproductive Necessity

In the midst of a real apocalypse, modern life probably looks comparatively great. Most of us remain reasonably attractive until our late thirties. 

But the hard living of the apocalypse is made to break you. Within the first year, you’ll barely recognise the women / men you kidnapped and keep chained to your now very cold radiator. 

The only way you’re going to manage to have relations with any of these captives is if you’re blind drunk. And how are you going to keep that up? That wine cellar and whiskey cabinet you carefully built in your bunker is already running dry. Damn, if only you’d bought wine bricks instead. 

You can store five gallons worth of wine bricks in the same space as a bottle. That’s 30 bottles of wine! 30x more booze that you could have otherwise had.

It’s literally the only way to delay the inevitable decline of your supplies. It’s also the only way of avoiding the embarrassment of all the people you now socially engage with knowing that you can no longer physically get it up.

4. Call Yourself A Professional Vintner

Grapes no longer grow. The process of plopping your wine bricks into a jug of water you collected as runoff from a former refuse site is the only way people can now remember that wine was made. 

You’re a master craftsperson. All of your favourite sexes and animals love you. 

Finally, your parents are smiling down from heaven, proud, knowing that their child achieved more than collecting useless junk for an imaginary apocalypse. Because you’re the master vintner. 

Pre-fermented wine never offered that kind of class.

5. Operation Dry Heave – “There’s A Secret Government Conspiracy To Confiscate All Of The Alcohol Before The Apocalypse.”

Right – we know Doomsday Preppers are morons who probably believe in Pizza Hut Paedophile Rings

What does that mean to us as the sellers of Wine Bricks?

Making up a stupid rumour about how *the Man* is going to steal all the alcohol will encourage Doomsday Preppers to buy wine bricks.

I mean, they’re not alcoholic until you drop them in water, so, the Government can’t confiscate them during Operation Dry Heave.

Why Wine Bricks Make Sense To Sellers

Right, so there are four pretty exceptional reasons why Wine Bricks are probably a great product to sell:

  1. Wine Bricks Are Easy To Post. Wine Bricks are bricks. You can post them to people in little boxes. They can be stacked economically and stuck in the back of a lorry. This makes them ideal for a direct to order business.
  2. Wine Bricks Don’t Incur Duty. The average bottle of wine incurs 297.57 pence per litre duty in the UK. In real person money, that’s a markup of almost £2.20 per bottle. So, if someone can sell a bottle of wine for £3.99 and still make a profit (even though they’re putting it into a super expensive glass bottle), if you’re not paying any duty on Wine Bricks you could totally sell each one for like, £2.00 and still make money.
  3. Wine Bricks Don’t Need Quality Control. Each year, winemakers are estimated to produce 11 million tonnes of pomace. That’s grape waste. It’s a mixture of seeds, stalks, grape skin and bits of fish (because it’s not wine unless it has gills). Nothing happens to this junk. It just gets thrown away. What if you were to take this waste and sculpt it into a brick? It’ll smell like wine and be the right colour. Real winemakers will probably pay you to take the stuff.
  4. Unless It’s The Apocalypse, Wine Bricks Don’t Need To Work. Think about it. Do you believe in the apocalypse? If it did happen, what’s going to happen to you if your wine bricks don’t work? Nothing, that’s what. Return policies don’t cover post-civilization scenarios. And no one’s going to ferment their precious wine bricks before the apocalypse. That’d be stupid.

What Are You Waiting For?

So, now you know your life’s calling – making and selling wine bricks to idiots. 

Start calling up vineyards and see if you can produce a modern wine brick. 

I’ve pretty much sorted out the marketing strategy for you though, so if it works, send me a few so I can show my friends how great I am at encouraging people to do stupid things. I’m sure we can all agree to raise a glass to that.

Audio Messages – Uncovering An Evil Conspiracy

How Henry Discovered That Audio Messages Are A Satanic Conspiracy

Satanic baphoment on a pentagram above a drawing of an answering machine. Blood red background.
“Leave the message after the tone.” Beep. “Hello, is that Satan? I’d like to reclaim the damned soul of the answering machine, and use it to possess Whatsapp to bring about Hell On Earth. Call me back when you get a moment.”

Tighten your chastity belt and smother your children. A nefarious occult group has summoned Satan to help them reanimate the answering machine.

Why? Because they’re demon spawn.

Today’s topic is audio messages and how they will single handedly destroy society.

You know, those cute snippets of audio you record on Whatsapp and iMessage and send to your vapid friends. Obligingly holding your phone horizontally to your mouth while pretending that you only drink bubble tea ironically.

While audio messages have featured on Whatsapp & iMessage since 2013 & 2014, they only started infiltrating my personal sphere recently. And I’m incensed. Why bring back the answering machine (because, yes, audio messages are virtual answering machines without the etiquette)? 

There’s loads of obsolete stuff that would be less torturous. How about the brazen bull or pear of anguish?

Sure, they’re an important assistive technology. But none of my friends are partially sighted, thumbless and or have forgotten how to write.

So here’s why my response to the next person who sends me an audio message is going to be a sympathetic, “Who performed your orbital lobotomy? Do they offer referral commissions?” Because if I don’t, who will?

Audio Messages Are Unjustified Voicemails

When did you last check your voicemail? It was 2013, wasn’t it? Why? Because the only people who leave voicemails are HMRC scammers claiming you’ve got a £50,000 underpayment, and time bending insurance companies with offers to transport you into last week’s most brutal car crash.

Still, they only leave a voicemail if you don’t pick up. And that’s the difference between audio messages and voicemails. The audio message is the voicemail without the justification. 

Try calling someone and they don’t pick up – leave them a voicemail as punishment. That’s fair. It’s justified. 

Don’t try to call someone, but send an audio message instead? Well, what are you punishing them for? Why should they listen to someone who hasn’t made the effort?

With this in mind, it’s obvious that people who leave audio messages are worse than HMRC scammers and rogue no claims agents.

Unstructured Thoughts & The Vice of Sloth

Sloths are evil. Does any other animal spend all of its time hanging upside down, with big, nasty claws? They’re also very lazy and live unstructured lives; key characteristics of being evil.

Audio messages are the same. They’re unstructured and quicker to send than emails, text messages and telegrams. Why? Because you don’t need to spend three seconds constructing an intro, summarising your issue and articulating a concise request.

My biggest gripe with them is when they’re used for communicating work assignments. Ten minutes of crap that I’m forced to listen to twice. Just to figure out what someone wants ME to do. Shouldn’t that emphasis be on them?!

Audio messages shift responsibility for structuring sent messages onto the receiver. How rich is that? You’re already asking someone to engage with your message. Surely there’s an unwritten social contract that effective communication is the responsibility of the person communicating?

What gives audio message senders the right to shift the blame for their blathering?

Continue using audio messages and you’re accepting stealing food from another’s mouth. Plundering their intellectual reserves. Audio messages are robbery.

Audio Messages Are Opaque

Want to know the gist of a message before you deign to read it? No chance with an audio message. There’s no way to determine what’s contained until you listen to it. 

Modern communication carries the clear expectation to come with a summary, or at least the ability to read the first line of a message before deciding whether you’re going to read the whole thing.

With audio messages, you can’t blank people.

Also, have you thought about the nefarious things people could do with this opacity? Someone could send you passages from the Necronomicon, forcing you to unwittingly summon the Kandarian Demon into your front room with a tap of the play button.

Audio messages are a platform of the occult.

Broadcasting Sexual Exploits Over Bluetooth


You’re listening to Joan Jett’s version of Season of the Witch on your little Bluetooth speaker because you don’t like Donovan. The room is filled with friends. Tipsy, you check your Whatsapp messages and press play on an audio message from Bernard, your bit on the side. Holding the phone to your ear, you hope he’s recorded something dirty. Maybe a bathroom escapade. Suddenly, your face drops. The music’s stopped and you can hear Bernard’s nasal voice, explaining that while he’s had fun sharing you with your boyfriend, he’s met someone else and they’re getting serious. Previously unaware, your boyfriend picks up a fork, pushes it into a plug socket and fries himself. Thus commences the Season of the Bitch.

Pop quiz, who was the worst person in that scenario? 


No. It was Bernard for sending that damned audio message.

Audio messages ruin relationships, kill spouses and completely invade your privacy.

It’s A Non-Interactive Phone Call

What’s my favourite thing about pizza? Watching someone eating it? Of course not. I like touching all the slices and playing with the melted cheese.

How about phone calls? I like making animal sounds in response to legitimate questions.

“When are you going to have that report finished?”

“Neymoo.” (It’s the sound of a deer – a mix between a horse and a cow)

As non-interactive phone calls, audio messages remove my right to respond with these, important, constructive points at the perfect opportunity. They disempower me from my god given right to shut down conversations.

Clearly, audio messages are disenfranchising recipients of the right to respond. By extension, they’re a form of censorship.

Why Audio Messages Must Die

Do you want to live in a world of surprise demonic summonings? Boyfriends, girlfriends, mothers, daughters, fathers and sons forced to kill themselves? Do you support mass censorship? Forced engagement? All while sloths amble about junctions, blocking traffic and economic progress?


Well there’s only one solution. Stop sending me audio messages.

Why Tony Blair TOTALLY Deserves a Knighthood

How Henry learned that the Knights of the Garter should really be called the War Criminals’ Club

A drawing of Tony Blair, former British Prime Minister, weilding a flamethrower with the text, 'Tony Torch 'Em'
Introducing the War Criminals’ Club’s newest member – Tony Torch ‘Em. That flamethrower has ‘atrocity’ written all over it!

Britain’s collective conscience has been shaken – suspected war criminal Tony Blair, like every other former UK Prime Minister, has been appointed Knight of the Order of the Garter. Honestly, the reaction is less surprising than the time it’s taken to happen.

Thankfully, actual white knight Angus Scott has come to the rescue, launching a petition to get Sir Blair’s Knighthood rescinded. Great. It’s already attracted over 700,000 signatures. Well done Angus Scott. Fingers crossed you’ll join fake King Arthur & Co. next year.

Still, I’m compelled to argue that Tony Blair totally deserves to be a Knight of the Garter. Why? Because historically, the Order of the Garter was actually a club for war criminals. No worries Angus, it isn’t immediately obvious unless you know about this crazy thing called wikipedia.

What’s A Knighthood?

Apparently, a Knighthood is acknowledgement from the Queen that you’re a stand up lord or lady. It’s also an hilarious endorsement from the establishment.

Right, that’s an endorsement from the same establishment that has been protecting a suspected paedophile, cut working age benefits by almost 30% during an unprecedented rise in the cost of living and the same establishment that had a jolly good time partying after they told everyone else to go to bed.

Are you following? 

So, it’s like getting an award from Skeletor and joining the Order of Evil Warriors?

No. Skeletor & the Evil Warriors never managed to do anything that was actually evil. Look at Skeletor’s abs. They were total posers. The Order of the Garter is actually evil; Heart of Darkness style.

What’s the Order of the Garter?

It’s an old English chivalric Order founded by Edward III, to support his dubious claim to the French throne under the guise of reviving the Round Table. It’s been dodgy from the outset.

Even better, I think its motto ‘Honi soit qui mal y pense’, means, “If you think it’s bad then you’re evil.” Now that’s a motto that even NAMBLA could use, isn’t it? Also, apparently in French today it’s used ironically, to insinuate someone has hidden, evil intentions.

That lines up with my ancient war criminals club theory, doesn’t it?

What Kind of Person Accepts a Knighthood?

It’s easier to explain the type of person that declines one:

Who delcined the Order of the Garter? Clearly only the cool Prime Ministers – Neville Chamberlain and Harold MacDonald. Chamberlain? Wasn’t he the one who used the Vulcan method of diplomacy to stop Hitler? And Harold MacDonald was the alter-ego of Super Mac, the first British Prime Minister to wear latex after hours.

How about the Knight Batchelor? You know, the one for ordinary people. Didn’t David Bowie, Joseph Conrad, Aldous Huxley and Lawrence of Arabia all reject their Knighthoods? Wasn’t Lawrence of Arabia’s justification for rejecting the honour because it was going to be awarded by the slimy bastards who double crossed Arabia (the British Government)? And didn’t Kipling write some poem about how it’s super lame? 

If Kipling thought it was lame, then it must be like starting a club with your friends to discuss the merits of your smelly pen collection, because Kipling didn’t do anything but write poems and make cakes.

And now, who’s been trying really hard to get a Knighthood? Wasn’t it David Beckham?

Right. So we’ve established that everyone who hangs out on the smoker’s bench declines them, and everyone who goes to parties at No10 unironically wants one. 

War Criminals Club.

Shut Up! The Order of the Garter Isn’t For War Criminals

Fine. I’ll retract it to (almost all) assorted criminals club.

Wasn’t Sir Winston Churchill a Knight of the Garter? Oh yeah. And didn’t he brag about actually killing Sudanese natives with his bare hands? And wasn’t there something about him enthusiastically endorsing the use of concentration camps in the Second Boer War. And that very vocal desire to drop poison gas on Kurdistan?

Or doesn’t he count because he’s dead?

No, Who Else is a Knight of the Garter Now?

Fine. Isn’t the Grand Old Duke of York a Royal Knight of the Garter? Too easy?


How about Lord Luce? Doesn’t he like arguing about how great the British Empire was? Or what about Jock Stirrup, the man responsible for the lack of appropriate body armour for front line troops in Afghanistan? Not to suggest that also his part in the War on Terror was as deplorable through collaboration. Or even Mervyn King, former Governor of the Bank of England who followed Greenspan’s example of do nothing economics during the 2007 Financial Crisis? Or even Mary Peters, who argues against the professional competition of transgender athletes (if you’re not willing to accept that this is a very complex issue).

Is that enough for you? Does that club not seem like the perfect place for War Criminals to lean back against a roaring fire, smoke cigars and share stories?

But Is A Knighthood Appropriate For Tony Blair?

Hmm. Actually, now that you mention it, I understand that the Victoria Cross and George Cross outrank the simple Knighthood. 

Now let’s be fair to Blair. He was an exceptionally well behaved lapdog for George Bush. So, given he was Prime Minister for a decade, I think it’d be only right to award him the equivalent of the Victoria Cross. You know, the Dickin Medal. 

The honour awarded by the People’s Dispensary for Sick Animals that’s made out of dog biscuits.

Would that make everyone feel better?

What Rescinding Blair’s Honour Will Do

So, we’ve established that honours are stupid and that all the cool people reject them; so logically, if Tony Blair accepts his honour, that makes him a total lame ass.

However, there are three obvious consequences of removing it from him:

  1. It sets a precedent to remove other Prime Minister’s honours (wouldn’t that be a funny game?).
  2. Boris Johnson and the Conservative Party will use it to undermine an already weak opposition.
  3. It endorses the false assertion that, empirically, being a Knight of the Garter is a good thing.

So, no, rescinding Tony Blair’s knighthood is not going to clean up the Knights of the Garter. It’s removing a rotten apple from a bowl of liquidised fruit.

Maybe instead, someone should start a petition to change the Order’s name or get the whole thing cancelled. I’ve already suggested the War Criminals Club. Or, instead, how about we all just let all those old, sad people fellate each other in peace?