Peppa Pig’s Plan To Level Up Britain

Hands up who hates Peppa Pig! You all do?! Great.

Well thankfully, the obnoxious brat’s finally done something useful. She’s provided the trotters and snouts needed to make Britain ‘great again’. And no, that’s not in a Greggs sausage roll kind of way, despite flaky pastry being the closest thing we have to a national treasure.

It’s a relief, given the Prime Minister’s recent, rather honest admission that “No Whitehall civil servant could have conceivably come up with [a plan as good as] Peppa’s.” Perhaps forgetting that Peppa Pig is actually a cartoon for children conceived by the unwashed & unemployed (apparently anyway). 

So it’s no wonder that Michael Gove’s new Department has drawn inspiration from the little swine’s theme park to set out exactly how they’re going to level up the UK. There’s a rumour that she even helped name his new department. Really? Well, who else but a pig would think the Department for Levelling Up would be responsible for anything but rubber stamping DnD character progression?

While I recognise that now would be a good time for a gammon joke, they’re as lazy as Daddy Pig, so make one up yourself (actually, how about, ‘oh you Gammon?‘ – I know, it’s funny. Don’t wet yourself).

What’s This About Boris Johnson Hiring Peppa Pig?

For anyone who missed it, this weekend the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s breaking announcement about his plans to remodel Britain in the image of Peppa Pig World. And what better place than the Confederation of British Industry’s weekend conference? 

So now it’s all out in the open, I thought I’d spill the beans. Don’t worry, I won’t get into trouble. Like all those other leaked announcements, everyone important already knows responsibility sits with Special Advisers or Dominic Cummings. 

What Is Peppa Pig World?

It’s a dreary theme park in Hampshire, where estranged single fathers take their teenage children to one up their former spouses. It’s also a beacon of hope and an architectural marvel, eclipsing the majesty of Great Yarmouth’s Merrivale Model Village.

Now that we’ve covered all the details, I bet you’re dying to know exactly what’s in store for Britain. 

Let’s dive into the trough and discover exactly how Peppa Pig’s going to change the course of British history.

Levelling Britain Up into a Pig Pen

Innovative, sensational & sexy. Here’s Peppa Pig’s Levelling Up Strategy: 

• Muddy Pits in the Commons. Who wouldn’t have been inspired by the Muddy Puddles at Peppa Pig World? And what better place to install them than the House of Commons. It makes sense given the current regeneration project. Plenty of new places for Owen Paterson, Andrew Mitchell, Chris Grayling and all the others to conduct their second jobs on Parliamentary soil.
• Grampy Rabbit’s Eel Snaring Sailing Club. Finally, Grampy Rabbit has stepped up to lend a hand on how to get all those very important fishies off those dirty French poodles. Are you excited about eel pie making an unexpected come back? Remember, if you don’t eat it you’re not a patriot.
• Grandpa Pig’s Little Train Revolutionising HS2. Hang out the windows and forget about work, you’re going to be late anyway. The real reason the Leeds leg of HS2 has been cancelled, because one of Europe’s largest public infrastructure projects is now going to be a fun closed circuit loop driven by a geriatric.
• Daddy Pig’s Innovative Electric Car Design. Move over Nissan. Finally, Lord Grimstone’s pontifications about the electric vehicle that’s going to turbocharge Britain’s automotive renaissance have materialised. Introducing Daddy Pig’s Electric Car. Inspired by the B52’s Love Shack (yeah, it’s a car that’s as big as a whale), this inspiring ride is the reason every new build will be mandated to have an EV charging station from 2022. 
• Grandpa Pig’s Immigrant Catching Boat Trip. Priti Patel’s been having a lot of trouble keeping migrants out, so it’s about time she called in a little help from Grandpa Pig. They’re sure to get along, because when grandpa pig tells you to do something, you must do it. Delivering significantly better value for money than the planned £200m national flagship, it’s sure to have those pesky immigrants paddling back to France when they realise their future prospects are significantly better in the EU. I mean, come on, who’d want to move to a country guarded by a pig in a boat?
• Mr Potato’s New Obesity Strategy. Now the Prime Minister did have some off colour remarks about the treatment of Daddy Pig in his speech to the CBI. Perhaps that’s because Mr Potato humiliated Daddy Pig on TV and forced him exercise and he’s worried that the same things about to happen to him (Yes – I have actually watched three Peppa Pig episodes today – thank you world)
• George’s Spaceship Playzone. Perfect. What better than a non-functioning space port? They’re only meant for tourism anyway. So taking a lead from George, the Government has reiterated plans to install a ride for babies in Cornwall.
• A new national anthem. In light of British Sea Power dropping ‘British’ from their name, because of the tarnished legacy of the Empire, what better time to replace the national anthem with a new one played on a rib cage xylophone? Cut out the reference to the queen, and then there’s no need to add king back in when she kicks it this Christmas.

Right, so we’ve covered fishing disputes, covering up sleaze, mass transit projects, a way to send away the immigrants, a way to get everyone healthy, some stuff about space and a sanitised national anthem. Surely that’s enough experience for a level up?

Incredible that I wrote this tripe in half an hour.

What’s Going On?

I don’t know. However, it does seem like a better strategy to level up Britain than the current one. So maybe cut Boris a little slack. There’s no harm in talking about Peppa Pig at a business conference. I mean, had anyone in attendance managed to sell the rights to their crappy cartoon for £3.6 billion? No?