My flatmates broke up last month.
That means I’m now living with a former couple.
Despite a very uncordial break up, they’re still sharing a bed. Understandably, the situation’s getting nasty.
It’s getting increasingly nasty because two weeks ago, the female half of the couple secured a new room in south London. She’s been able to leave since last Monday (24 February). As she has a new place, she’s stopped paying rent, buying soya milk and keeps breaking china on the sly.
But most concerning of all, she’s just not moving out.
She’s even said that she doesn’t want to.
The only packing she’s done has been filling one suitcases with her barbies. Yes, she literally filled a suitcase with barbies. And no, she’s not a fifteen year old loser.
I don’t even understand why she wants to stay. She’s the one who broke up with him and her new place is way closer to work. Also, she’s definitely old enough to know that she needs to move out.
Anyway, it’s concerning because if this continues, the male half will find a new place, and then I’ll have to find a new place.
I have no intention of finding a new place, so I’ve hatched an ingenious plan to get rid of her.
Why We Can’t Kick Her Out
Unfortunately, changing the locks isn’t an option. That’s because we don’t own the flat, and she knows most of my friends.
If we kick her out, she’ll tell everyone that I’m a beast and used to really like Korn (I didn’t, who told you that?).
Also, I hate confrontation.
That’s why we’re going to piss her off so much that she leaves.
As an expert in passive aggression, I’m quite confident this six-step displacement programme’s going to work.
Maybe it’ll help you get rid of your least favourite flatmate too!
Here’s exactly what you need to do to get rid of your least favourite flatmate.
1. Stop Being An Enabler (Remove The Cardboard Packets From All Your Rizlas)
I think she wants to stay because we accept her less attractive habits. To make her uncomfortable, we need to stop enabling those habits.
By that, I’ve deduced that we need to sabotage her weed smoking.
Now, as someone who doesn’t smoke weed, it took me a while to figure out exactly how to achieve this. But the solution’s simple. I just need to rip off and bin all of the cardboard packets my rizlas come in.
It’s genius because to roll a joint, you need a roach. As far as I can tell, the roach is what makes the drug potent. You make a roach by ripping a strip of card off the little cardboard box your rizlas come in.
If she has no rizla packets to make roaches, she won’t be able to smoke weed!
Ah, but you’re thinking that she could just go to the shops and buy her own rizla packets, or use the covers of paperback books?
Well, she’s someone who wakes and bakes and loves books. So I’m sure you’ll understand that she’s too lazy to go to the cornershop to buy her own rizlas, and would never dream of destroying a book cover.
That means when she’s smoking weed, she’ll have to resort to making roaches out of her passport and birth certificate.
As soon as she’s completely destroyed her passport and birth certificate, she’ll no longer have any evidence of her British citizenship, and we can call the Home Office and get her deported to Jamaica!
I mean, if she’s in Jamaica, there’s no way she can tell everyone that I’m a beast!
2. Use Subliminal Messaging (Rewrite Their Horoscope)
The next step in my diabolical plan involves subliminal messaging.
That’s right, the best way to get your flatmate to move out is tricking them into thinking that fate’s instructed them to.
The obvious way to do this is with their horoscope. You just have to replace all the less important words with ‘move out now’.
Look at the one I edited. It’s from the UK’s most trusted paper and medium, the Daily Express and Russell Grant.
3. Ruin Their Things (Go For Their Sims 4 Saved Game)
Now you should never break someone’s physical things. That’s not cool.
But you’ve totally got a licence to ruin their non-physical things, if said non-physical things are played on their ex-boyfriend’s Xbox.
In the case of my flatmate, I was inspired by a strange sound.
Can you hear it?
“Sul Sul, Badeesh! Nooboo, Oh feebee lay.”
I’m sure your female flatmate makes those noises too.
Not sure what it is? I think it’s someone’s character in the Sims 4 saying they just put a spoon in your peanut butter (they like to taunt).
Yes, you may have guessed it, my flatmate spends the majority of her time playing the Sims 4.
It’s a strange, but impressive passion.
She’s spent years recreating her life in the Sims. I’m even featured in her real Sims universe, and her alternative Sims universe (yes, there are two timelines in which everyone’s gender preferences are switched).
In both universes, my character is fat, stupid and thinks soul patches are cool. I think that’s the only thing that’s actually consistent.
She loves her Sims 4 saved game so much, I figured that a sure-fire way to piss her off, and to get her to move out as quickly as possible is to fire it up, and make all the characters that resemble her really, really ugly.
Yeah, don’t feed them to a cow plant. Don’t make them into a baker. Just make them ugly.
Then she’ll think her Sims characters are ruined, and she’ll have no motivation to stay.
4. Start An Infestation (Make Them Think You Have Mice)
Wait, does your flatmate really hate mice too?
Do they also not understand that getting rid of mice requires them to not get really stoned every evening and always put the bread away?
What really? That’s a complete revelation to me too.
So, my flatmate hates mice. She’s so upset by the idea of mice, she doesn’t even need to see them to go mental.
She just needs to see mouse droppings.
That’s why I’m going to buy some chocolate raisins, cut them up a bit, and then sprinkle them next to the toaster.
As soon as they think that the new place is going to be nicer than the old one, they’ll start wondering why they’re staying.
5. Change the Wifi Password
People don’t like using their mobile data at home, especially when they play five hours of Pokemon Go daily.
Hence, to make someone really uncomfortable, be really passive aggressive and change the wifi access code, and fail to share it on your group chat.
If you don’t want them to realise that it’s been changed, just paint the light on the router black, and say it’s broken and that you’re waiting until next month to fix it.
6. Contaminate Their Food (Write Love Letters From Your Marmite To Their Greek Yoghurt)
Everyone’s a little precious about their food. Now, I’m not suggesting that you should actually do something horrible to their food, just maybe make them think that their food is doing something horrible to itself.
Do greek yoghurt and marmite go together? While we’ll never know, congratulations, my flatmate is about to find out.
That’s because her greek yoghurt and my marmite are about to start a not-so secret relationship.
This one’s easy to pull off. Just spoon some marmite into their yoghurt.
Then write a love note on a post-it, and stick it on the pot.
This is a great idea because first they’ll think that you’re being passive aggressive, labelling their stuff. However, when they actually read the note, they’ll discover that actually, you’re not to blame and it’s actually their own food that’s been getting at it.
They’ll know that they can’t shout at their greek yoghurt, and will need to take it away before it elopes with your marmite.
The letters are easy.
For instance, the Greek Yoghurt would probably write to the marmite:
“Hey You Inky Syrup Stallion.
You’ve got my Greek going freak.
Love You. Hate You.
I Can’t Spread Enough Of You.
Meet me on the counter Marmite,
I’ll be your creamy delight,
Your-yoghurt”A Love Letter your Greek Yoghurt to my Marmite
This will let her know that they need to take their yoghurt out of the house, of they’re going to end up being responsible for a child with the consistency of molasses, encouraging their immediate departure.
If All Else Fails
While this is a totally foolproof campaign of encouragement, sometimes, it might not go to plan.
When that happens, just get their parents’ telephone number, call them up and tell them everything that’s going on.
If their parents are dead, why the fuck are you being so evil?